I had my 3-month post-surgery check-up yesterday and I guess I also threw my 3-month post-surgery pity-party as well. I knew it was not going to go well when I was almost in tears before the PA got into the room. I've been so frustrated with the pain I've experienced recently when walking or just standing up and the fact that my knee won't straighten. I know I'm behind schedule at this point.
The first thing the very nice PA said to me as she looked at my knee was "wow - it's really not straightening, is it?" And then the waterworks began. It is at this point that I should mention that I was in the middle of the PT room b/c at my doctor's office you get your visit on the PT tables and not in a private room. So, my apologies to anyone who witnessed my spectacle.
I had then turned into a mute and as she prodded about what's going on, Good Cop PT rescued the moment with encouraging words such as, "she really has been working very hard." At this point, Bad Cop PT was on the scene as well and we all agreed that I'm back to the torture chair. It was at this point that the PA asked why I'm in the transition program (read: self-administered and just asking PT for help on torture) and not full-on physical therapy. More tears as I blubbered the words "insurance" and she translated accurately that my insurance has run out for PT visits.
Anyway, the results of the appointment were I humiliated myself but felt too little self worth to quit crying or feel very embarrassed, I have to increase torture, I can't get an activity brace because I'm not cleared for anything remotely resembling activity (that includes walking for exercise), and I am seeing the doctor in three and a half weeks.
As all of this unfolded I still had to finish my PT session. More apologies now for all of those who were quietly accepting their torture or workout for the day as I (also quietly) sobbed for another hour. Additional apologies to staff who do this for a living and had to deal with my sorry self.
Here are the things I was thinking but was too bummed out to say out loud as I continued my self-pity throughout the day:
1. I really need to exercise to feel better and this is exactly what I can't do, it's an endless circle that's taking its toll!
2. I really need to quit feeling sorry for myself. There are people worse off than me - hungry, sick, having money troubles, or just with a worse injury or still coming out of surgery. One of them was my very good ACL friend who had her surgery two weeks ago. It was so not right that she had to come console me - I should be helping her!
3. I know I'm being selfish, but if I hear one more friend talk about how they're sore from working out, I think I might punch them! I never thought I'd be green with envy about someone jogging!
4. My friend suggested I start wearing tennis shoes to work so I don't slip again. Do you know how pissed off that would make me every day? I already wear flats to work that make my short legs look stumpier. I am dying to put on a pair of heels and the thought of a exclusively tennis shoe existence might kill me.
5. My insurance is very messed up! What kind of policy incentivizes you to have as many PT sessions as possible in a 60 day period and then completely hangs you out to dry! Okay - most still reading might say an HMO and they'd be right, but I still need to vent! I think if I had a hang nail I could have been approved for 60 days and there are absolutely no exceptions if you are post 60 days. I can't imagine the kind of claims I'd have down the road if I left my leg in its current stiff, peg-leg existence.
6. I'm really scared that it's not going to get better and that I need to come to terms with a partial recovery existence.
7. I really love my husband, family, and friends who were trying to make me feel better. Unfortunately, yesterday, the only thing I could reward kindness, sympathy, and empathy with was more tears so I'm sure that's not the signal I sent.
Today feels pretty good emotionally if only because it would be impossible to repeat yesterday. I'm too exhausted! I'll be back at PT in the morning and am hoping/praying that I can cross the threshold to a leg that fully extends. I cannot think about the alternative right now!
Here's to my next post being a positive one...
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6 comments:
That insurance thing is messed up. I feel for you on that one. I also had trouble getting full extension and in fact, still have to work on it. Things that have really helped me (and you probably already know these but I figured I'd throw them out there anyway): using a band to stretch the top part of my foot back towards my body while flexing my muscles and pushing the back of my knee down, doing the same push your knee down business while gently pushing above the kneecap on the muscle, also heat compresses above and below the knee with an extended leg (sometimes with a small towel roll under the ankle).
This is the most challenging thing I've ever done and I know how frustrated you are because I am too. When I was having major extension problems, I just sat in bed or on the sofa and did quad sets non-stop. It seemed to really help and I'm not having much of an issue anymore with that. I also think that for women, it takes longer.
Hang in there. (I can't even tell you how many times I have cried at or as I'm leaving PT. You're not alone and everyone understands. Don't apologize for how you feel; it's completely understandable).
(Gets off soap box. Hope that helps a bit.)
Melissa:
I am sorry to hear that you had a difficult post-surgery check-up. I understand the frustrations of this injury. Three months was a rough time for me. I was mobile enough to work and resume most of my daily activities but not mobile enough to return to karate.
I also had the 60 days consecutive insurance time limit. My PT would map out a plan and I would call in for additional exercises. I had to work at my extension. I would lie down on my stomach, hang my leg off the edge of the bed, and let gravity do the work.
The good news is that it will get better! It just takes time.
Melissa:
My wife often accuses HMOs and healtcare companies of "practicing medicine without a license" and this sounds like a prime example. 20 PT sessions is a statistical determination that may have little bearing on your recovery. Every case has the potential to be different, and it irks me to no end that your doctor (like so many others) isn't allowed to determine your course of medical attention. It's just not right!
More importantly, I'm sorry that you're still feeling pain at this point. I understand that MCLs take a lot longer to heal when not reconstructed or repaired. Ultimately, you get the same result whether it's repaired or allowed to heal. But perhaps it's lengthening the trajectory of your recovery(?).
As to how you're feeling mentally, I agree that it's perfectly normal. When I tweaked my knee a couple of weeks ago and had that very localized swelling suddenlty appear, I had to keep telling myself that it was just something incidental. I hadn't torn an exterior ligament. My new ACL hadn't somehow been ripped from both screws and migrated out of the joint to the side of my patella. Silly, I know. But you can't help imagining the worst in these instances. It's natural.
I'd just underline what Melissa and BBM say. Keep doing the simple extension exercises. Let time -- and gravity -- do some of the work for you. It's going to get better. Hang in there.
Lastly, keep icing. And if you're not wearing one, think about getting a simple Ace brace or bandage to use as compression. My surgeon told me to start wearing one throughout the day and it's made a big difference. (Check with your doctor first, of course.)
Chad
BBM, Michele, and Chad:
Thank you so much for your encouragement, advice, and just being able to identify with my feelings! It feels so much better to have a mini ACL community with words of encouragement.
I had a good weekend with quality home exercises, distractions so that I wasn't thinking about my knee, and (sorry to say this, BBM) the sale of my husband's house which means now we only own one home instead of two!
I'm looking forward to a new week with a positive perspective.
Melissa:
Okay, so I definitely don't know you, but I wanted to share my story with you, so you know you're not alone...
I am a professional (dual-sport) athlete, who was training towards Beijing this summer. I, like you, have just had a completely meltdown recently -- the first since my surgery. I am about 4.5 months out from surgery and I had another scope to clean up scar tissue in my knee about 2 weeks ago. I have been going through an athlete's version of hell these past couple weeks, watching my Olympic Trials on television and experiencing 4th of July Olympic floats and Olympic music every time I turn on the TV. Last week was tough, but I can't imagine how I will feel when 8-8-08 comes around.
Your blog "Surgery + 3 Month: Meltdown" really sounded familiar! I was doing a search on Google about knee extension problems when I was sent to your blog, so I read it. This whole process is very tough, especially for those of us who are incredibly active, and in my case, whose career is based on the well being of their body.
My knee has been short of full extension since the moment I tore my ACL. I tore my ACL as well as both the medial and lateral meniscuses. This is the first time I have been seriously injured in my career (I'm 30), so I wasn't quite sure how the healing process is supposed to go, but I've just about reached the end of my patience. When, if ever, will my knee be in full extension? Will I ever have a knee that feels totally healthy again? Am I going to have to retire as a professional athlete over this?
I certainly hope I will someday be able to look back at this reply to your blog and laugh at the fact that I seem to feel so sorry for myself. I hope that I'll someday wonder why I was every so concerned and paranoid about it. It is always tough to have patience -- we aren't wired that way as human beings.
Question for you...Did you ever get to full extension? If so, how did you do it? I am about 2 degrees out of it, but those 2 degrees are the devil to me, since I am so in tune with my body.
HELP! I, like you, have always been able to go put myself through a grueling workout to clear my head and let off steam. The one thing I always turned to during a time like this, is the one thing I can't do!!
Empathetically,
Erin
Erin:
I completely sympathize with your plight! I can't imagine what it would be like to sit at home when your heart wants to be competing in China - but I have experienced a tiny of fraction of that in my recovery and just can't even imagine how gut-wrenching it must be for you.
I just had a doctor's appointment and my extension is getting better (it can be manually pushed fully) but won't do it on its own. I continue to think the torture extension chair is most effective for me. We've added on my i-ROM brace locked to extension -10 at night to see if this will help. So, I too struggle and suspect I will for a while.
I tried to e-mail you directly but didn't have your address. Can you send me your e-mail (mail to mwood19@gmail.com) so that I can discuss further with you?
Wishing you a straight arrow knee!
Melissa
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