Surgery + 3 Months: Meltdown

I had my 3-month post-surgery check-up yesterday and I guess I also threw my 3-month post-surgery pity-party as well. I knew it was not going to go well when I was almost in tears before the PA got into the room. I've been so frustrated with the pain I've experienced recently when walking or just standing up and the fact that my knee won't straighten. I know I'm behind schedule at this point.

The first thing the very nice PA said to me as she looked at my knee was "wow - it's really not straightening, is it?" And then the waterworks began. It is at this point that I should mention that I was in the middle of the PT room b/c at my doctor's office you get your visit on the PT tables and not in a private room. So, my apologies to anyone who witnessed my spectacle.

I had then turned into a mute and as she prodded about what's going on, Good Cop PT rescued the moment with encouraging words such as, "she really has been working very hard." At this point, Bad Cop PT was on the scene as well and we all agreed that I'm back to the torture chair. It was at this point that the PA asked why I'm in the transition program (read: self-administered and just asking PT for help on torture) and not full-on physical therapy. More tears as I blubbered the words "insurance" and she translated accurately that my insurance has run out for PT visits.

Anyway, the results of the appointment were I humiliated myself but felt too little self worth to quit crying or feel very embarrassed, I have to increase torture, I can't get an activity brace because I'm not cleared for anything remotely resembling activity (that includes walking for exercise), and I am seeing the doctor in three and a half weeks.

As all of this unfolded I still had to finish my PT session. More apologies now for all of those who were quietly accepting their torture or workout for the day as I (also quietly) sobbed for another hour. Additional apologies to staff who do this for a living and had to deal with my sorry self.

Here are the things I was thinking but was too bummed out to say out loud as I continued my self-pity throughout the day:

1. I really need to exercise to feel better and this is exactly what I can't do, it's an endless circle that's taking its toll!

2. I really need to quit feeling sorry for myself. There are people worse off than me - hungry, sick, having money troubles, or just with a worse injury or still coming out of surgery. One of them was my very good ACL friend who had her surgery two weeks ago. It was so not right that she had to come console me - I should be helping her!

3. I know I'm being selfish, but if I hear one more friend talk about how they're sore from working out, I think I might punch them! I never thought I'd be green with envy about someone jogging!

4. My friend suggested I start wearing tennis shoes to work so I don't slip again. Do you know how pissed off that would make me every day? I already wear flats to work that make my short legs look stumpier. I am dying to put on a pair of heels and the thought of a exclusively tennis shoe existence might kill me.

5. My insurance is very messed up! What kind of policy incentivizes you to have as many PT sessions as possible in a 60 day period and then completely hangs you out to dry! Okay - most still reading might say an HMO and they'd be right, but I still need to vent! I think if I had a hang nail I could have been approved for 60 days and there are absolutely no exceptions if you are post 60 days. I can't imagine the kind of claims I'd have down the road if I left my leg in its current stiff, peg-leg existence.

6. I'm really scared that it's not going to get better and that I need to come to terms with a partial recovery existence.

7. I really love my husband, family, and friends who were trying to make me feel better. Unfortunately, yesterday, the only thing I could reward kindness, sympathy, and empathy with was more tears so I'm sure that's not the signal I sent.

Today feels pretty good emotionally if only because it would be impossible to repeat yesterday. I'm too exhausted! I'll be back at PT in the morning and am hoping/praying that I can cross the threshold to a leg that fully extends. I cannot think about the alternative right now!

Here's to my next post being a positive one...

2 Steps Back

It's been a little while since I've written. I have been so busy trying to get back to normal but my knee does not want to come along for the ride!

Since I wrote, I've unpacked from the Bahamas and been on a business trip to Boston. I had such a good time seeing the city! I even walked for about 2 and a half hours after the sessions were over which made me feel like a real able-bodied person. Beacon Hill was rough - I was at a snails pace, but I did it!

Unfortunately, though, I had a big fall in a restaurant on my last night. We were walking back to our table. The floor was slippery and my shoes didn't hold me. As I skidded on my bad leg, my knee gave out and I landed in a heap with my legs under my butt.

This could have been the most embarrassing moment of my year, but I was in too much pain to care what the table of 12 on one side of me or the full bar on the other side thought. It took me two or three minutes to compose myself on the floor and make sure that my leg was willing to let me stand up. My knee swoll up and it took me about 25 minutes to calm myself down from the pain and fear that I'd hurt something that couldn't easily be fixed. I did finish dinner and returned to the hotel room for a giant pack of ice. Thanks so much to my friends who consoled me and ran down the street in heels to a pharmacy to get some ibuprofen!

My physical therapist says that he doesn't think that I permanently hurt anything and I feel the same way. I have a doctor's appointment in a week to verify this. I'm still in more pain than last week - it still feels swollen and angry. I might say the same for myself. I need to get back to my physical lifestyle or check out weight watchers, but perhaps this can be discussed at another time!

ACL in Paradise

I have spent the past 10 days sailing in the Bahamas Abaco Islands. My knee held up on and off the boat onto docks and dinghies. It is still stiff but I think the vacation did me some good!

Must Read for Soccer Girls

I just read this very interesting NYTimes article about ACL and injuries in general and female athletes. I was so fortunate during my competitive playing years that I never suffered a major injury and missed very few games in spite of averaging probably 40-70 games a year for my competitive years from about age 12 to 18.

Today, I'm recovering from the major surgery as a woman over 30. I've played well over 1,000 soccer games in my life I'm sure. And how did I tear my knee to shreds? Skiing. Harrumph! It would have been more worth it in a soccer game!!! I will be so mad if that day skiing takes me from the sport I love!

The article is right...there are tradeoffs if you decide to return to something like soccer. You could face surgery again, further damage, or just not be the same. Do I want to just return to being active while leaving soccer out of the equation? No way! I can't imagine losing the ability to compete or the social outlet with other people who love to play and try to win. I love the feeling of a perfectly kicked ball coming off your foot. If I get that feeling once a year that's worth a hundred hours of play. But, then again, what if I can't be a shadow of who I was before my injury years before I expected to ratchet things back in my 40s or 50s or after kids? Will that be okay? Will it be the same?

So many questions that only time will bring answers for...

There's another dynamic in the article. The "is it worth it for girls to compete and make these sacrifices of health and wellness" tone. To me and to many women I have played with (my indoor team this winter had five of twelve women who had gone through ACL surgeries as adults) it is worth it. But for someone on the outside looking in, I could see how it seems crazy as youth or adults.