I played soccer tonight...finally!

So...23 months after injury, 21 months after surgery, 15 months after pregnancy and 6 months after baby, I FINALLY played soccer again!!! My original recovery was delayed a bit when I got pregnant and I resumed PT post-pregnancy. It felt good tonight...although I need many thousands of touches on the ball. But, hopefully, this long knee journey is entering a new stage for a long time!!

Sunflower in August

Sunflowers in August, originally uploaded by MWOOD19.

6 Months Post Surgery and Counting

I've made it 6 months now and my life is becoming less about the knee and more about everything else. I'm going to "transitional" PT still which means it's me on my own at the same facility as normal PT two to three days a week. The routine:

• Elliptical
• Stretching
• Exercises working on balancing and putting stress on the bad leg
• Beginning agility - jogging, skipping, jump rope, running in rings of rope ladder
• Weights - still about 10% away from body weight (blah!)

On off days I'm trying to go walk/jog at my regular gym a couple days a week on the treadmill.

I think about my knee a lot but not nearly as much as a few months ago. It still feels different but not nearly as bad. And, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel although who knows how I'll be when not doing rote exercises. All is good in general, though. Will post again as progress is made in a month or so.

Elliptical Bliss

I made it through a warm-up on the elliptical machine yesterday. Some of you other ACL rehabbers may be thinking "so what?" But, I have always had elliptical issues much preferring jogging on treadmills or outside. It felt so good to be moving my whole body not just sitting on an exercise bike. And, obviously I've let go of some of the inhibitions of my awkwardness on the machine since this whole past six months has been physically awkward to be kind.

Speaking of six months, Thursday marks six months post accident and four months post surgery. Things are going well and I often forget about the knee. Pain and just feeling the knee ebb and flow as I walk. But, I feel that I'm turning a corner. I'll be celebrating the "anniversary" at a conference in Chicago...hopefully lots of city walking without pain will be the reward.

New Torture

Today I got to try a new torture machine. It's called the Extensionater and is a replacement for the torture chair. My impression was that it was less painful - good. Maybe not quite as straight - not so good. It felt like having a blood pressure band around your leg, because it essentially blows up a balloon that holds your leg down. Variety is good - I think I will switch off between the torture chair and the extensionater as I go along.

3 Months, 2 Weeks, 2 Days: MILESTONE!

Okay, if you haven't been around me in the last six months or suffered a severe knee injury you may not understand how excited I am. BUT, I'll tell you anyway. Last night I tried walking down the stairs in my house like a normal person. Not one step at a time, but one leg in front of the other. I did it! I do have to hold onto the wall for balance, and definitely need to work on control, but it worked, and it worked again this morning.


I've added a picture of the day before the injury, Christmas day last year. It's funny to think back to my mindset then. I can't even imagine attempting to go down a snow-covered ungroomed staircase like that. Hopefully I will be up to such an attempt next winter.

I've hated stairs for many reasons during this journey. More recently, the thing about them is that they're a constant reminder of my injury. When I'm around people I don't know, I feel I need to explain myself and my injury so they know why I'm so slow. Hopefully now I'm one step closer to a less visible impairment!

San Francisco

Twin Peaks, originally uploaded by MWOOD19.

I just got back from a business trip and weekend in San Francisco. It was a great trip...no major incidents. I got a lot of practice walking. I could definitely feel my knee and especially my hamstring and calf muscles since I was moving aroudn so much. The thing I kept thinking about was how lucky I've been that I lived in a city where you don't have to walk to get everywhere. Not in general, but when it comes to someone requiring knee surgery, the ability to drive park close, etc., is critical!

When I'm Back Playing Soccer

BlackBeltBlues shared an excellent article regarding ACL injuries and warm-up routines for girls playing soccer. It's an important reminder for women young and old and something I will definitely incorporate into my routine if I get a chance to get back on the field.

A Question of Perspective?

I wanted to focus on the positive this weekend. It became easier for a variety of reasons...

1) Jeff's house sale became final on Friday which means we only own one house and not two. It had been on the market for over a year since six months before our wedding.
2) We saw friends we hadn't seen since before the surgery. Since they haven't seen the day-to-day recovery process, my knee wasn't on their mind. It was great to have conversations that rarely strayed into that territory. Making the weekend a real break from the weekdays and the focus that PT seems to create.
3) The weather was beautiful and we got to attend a lake party - how can you beat that?

I had a conversation over the weekend that really made me think. One of our friends was discussing his ACL surgery which happened eight years ago. I haven't seen him since I was hurt since they live out of town. But his conversation was similar to many of the soccer girls I know.

They talked about their knee in generalities and even when you asked for specifics, there weren't many. I guess I think that maybe once you get farther out, like many things, you block it out! I think that's a good thing. I'll still have this as a record of my feelings, but if I had to think about this year as negatively as I've felt from time to time, it would be rough!

This is one of the things that drove me nuts when I was preparing for surgery. I knew all these people who had surgery, but couldn't get a lot of specifics about anything. It's part of what prompted me to start this journal. But, I think (given that all of my friends returned to competitive sports) that perhaps it's part of the coping mechanism. I can't wait to join their club with vague memories of a crummy year but a new perspective of normal along with it.

Surgery + 3 Months: Meltdown

I had my 3-month post-surgery check-up yesterday and I guess I also threw my 3-month post-surgery pity-party as well. I knew it was not going to go well when I was almost in tears before the PA got into the room. I've been so frustrated with the pain I've experienced recently when walking or just standing up and the fact that my knee won't straighten. I know I'm behind schedule at this point.

The first thing the very nice PA said to me as she looked at my knee was "wow - it's really not straightening, is it?" And then the waterworks began. It is at this point that I should mention that I was in the middle of the PT room b/c at my doctor's office you get your visit on the PT tables and not in a private room. So, my apologies to anyone who witnessed my spectacle.

I had then turned into a mute and as she prodded about what's going on, Good Cop PT rescued the moment with encouraging words such as, "she really has been working very hard." At this point, Bad Cop PT was on the scene as well and we all agreed that I'm back to the torture chair. It was at this point that the PA asked why I'm in the transition program (read: self-administered and just asking PT for help on torture) and not full-on physical therapy. More tears as I blubbered the words "insurance" and she translated accurately that my insurance has run out for PT visits.

Anyway, the results of the appointment were I humiliated myself but felt too little self worth to quit crying or feel very embarrassed, I have to increase torture, I can't get an activity brace because I'm not cleared for anything remotely resembling activity (that includes walking for exercise), and I am seeing the doctor in three and a half weeks.

As all of this unfolded I still had to finish my PT session. More apologies now for all of those who were quietly accepting their torture or workout for the day as I (also quietly) sobbed for another hour. Additional apologies to staff who do this for a living and had to deal with my sorry self.

Here are the things I was thinking but was too bummed out to say out loud as I continued my self-pity throughout the day:

1. I really need to exercise to feel better and this is exactly what I can't do, it's an endless circle that's taking its toll!

2. I really need to quit feeling sorry for myself. There are people worse off than me - hungry, sick, having money troubles, or just with a worse injury or still coming out of surgery. One of them was my very good ACL friend who had her surgery two weeks ago. It was so not right that she had to come console me - I should be helping her!

3. I know I'm being selfish, but if I hear one more friend talk about how they're sore from working out, I think I might punch them! I never thought I'd be green with envy about someone jogging!

4. My friend suggested I start wearing tennis shoes to work so I don't slip again. Do you know how pissed off that would make me every day? I already wear flats to work that make my short legs look stumpier. I am dying to put on a pair of heels and the thought of a exclusively tennis shoe existence might kill me.

5. My insurance is very messed up! What kind of policy incentivizes you to have as many PT sessions as possible in a 60 day period and then completely hangs you out to dry! Okay - most still reading might say an HMO and they'd be right, but I still need to vent! I think if I had a hang nail I could have been approved for 60 days and there are absolutely no exceptions if you are post 60 days. I can't imagine the kind of claims I'd have down the road if I left my leg in its current stiff, peg-leg existence.

6. I'm really scared that it's not going to get better and that I need to come to terms with a partial recovery existence.

7. I really love my husband, family, and friends who were trying to make me feel better. Unfortunately, yesterday, the only thing I could reward kindness, sympathy, and empathy with was more tears so I'm sure that's not the signal I sent.

Today feels pretty good emotionally if only because it would be impossible to repeat yesterday. I'm too exhausted! I'll be back at PT in the morning and am hoping/praying that I can cross the threshold to a leg that fully extends. I cannot think about the alternative right now!

Here's to my next post being a positive one...

2 Steps Back

It's been a little while since I've written. I have been so busy trying to get back to normal but my knee does not want to come along for the ride!

Since I wrote, I've unpacked from the Bahamas and been on a business trip to Boston. I had such a good time seeing the city! I even walked for about 2 and a half hours after the sessions were over which made me feel like a real able-bodied person. Beacon Hill was rough - I was at a snails pace, but I did it!

Unfortunately, though, I had a big fall in a restaurant on my last night. We were walking back to our table. The floor was slippery and my shoes didn't hold me. As I skidded on my bad leg, my knee gave out and I landed in a heap with my legs under my butt.

This could have been the most embarrassing moment of my year, but I was in too much pain to care what the table of 12 on one side of me or the full bar on the other side thought. It took me two or three minutes to compose myself on the floor and make sure that my leg was willing to let me stand up. My knee swoll up and it took me about 25 minutes to calm myself down from the pain and fear that I'd hurt something that couldn't easily be fixed. I did finish dinner and returned to the hotel room for a giant pack of ice. Thanks so much to my friends who consoled me and ran down the street in heels to a pharmacy to get some ibuprofen!

My physical therapist says that he doesn't think that I permanently hurt anything and I feel the same way. I have a doctor's appointment in a week to verify this. I'm still in more pain than last week - it still feels swollen and angry. I might say the same for myself. I need to get back to my physical lifestyle or check out weight watchers, but perhaps this can be discussed at another time!

ACL in Paradise

I have spent the past 10 days sailing in the Bahamas Abaco Islands. My knee held up on and off the boat onto docks and dinghies. It is still stiff but I think the vacation did me some good!

Must Read for Soccer Girls

I just read this very interesting NYTimes article about ACL and injuries in general and female athletes. I was so fortunate during my competitive playing years that I never suffered a major injury and missed very few games in spite of averaging probably 40-70 games a year for my competitive years from about age 12 to 18.

Today, I'm recovering from the major surgery as a woman over 30. I've played well over 1,000 soccer games in my life I'm sure. And how did I tear my knee to shreds? Skiing. Harrumph! It would have been more worth it in a soccer game!!! I will be so mad if that day skiing takes me from the sport I love!

The article is right...there are tradeoffs if you decide to return to something like soccer. You could face surgery again, further damage, or just not be the same. Do I want to just return to being active while leaving soccer out of the equation? No way! I can't imagine losing the ability to compete or the social outlet with other people who love to play and try to win. I love the feeling of a perfectly kicked ball coming off your foot. If I get that feeling once a year that's worth a hundred hours of play. But, then again, what if I can't be a shadow of who I was before my injury years before I expected to ratchet things back in my 40s or 50s or after kids? Will that be okay? Will it be the same?

So many questions that only time will bring answers for...

There's another dynamic in the article. The "is it worth it for girls to compete and make these sacrifices of health and wellness" tone. To me and to many women I have played with (my indoor team this winter had five of twelve women who had gone through ACL surgeries as adults) it is worth it. But for someone on the outside looking in, I could see how it seems crazy as youth or adults.

Surgery + 8 Weeks: Good Cop - Bad Cop

I refer to my two primary physical therapists as "Good Cop" and "Bad Cop". This has nothing to do with their abilities (both outstanding) or personalities (both cool), but there is a distinct difference between their methods. You know with BC that you're going to be pushed to the brink on most days and with GC the process is more conservative. I think they both do a great job and it's a good combination to have the two working together.

Yesterday was a prime Good Cop vs. Bad Cop encounter. GC walked me in and got me going with the usual Exercise Bike for 10 minutes and I followed with the normal stretches. Then, I asked him what was next. I was scheduled with BC and he checked with him. No surprise that I then was given the sentence of 10 minutes with the leg hang. I laid on my belly on the table with a (heavy) heating pad on the leg and a weight on the ankle. Everything from just above the knee down was hanging off the table. GC told me there would be no Quad Stim to accompany this therapy. I was so thanking the heavens that it was a GC day!

Two minutes later, BC came by to let me know that I was not getting off that easy. He attached the Quad Stim, and proceeded to ramp up the voltage to the usual excruciating muscle cramp. 10 seconds on - 30 seconds off. Not only did I get added discomfort, I got to start my time over!

When the buzzer went off "Time's Up!", GC started to walk over to release me from the weights and wires and all that good stuff. I'm usually unable to do much more than a very feeble army crawl at this point anyway. Unfortunately, though, BC spoke from across the room, "Hold up!" I got to wait an extra minute till he finished with the other patient and slowly came over. My 10-minute easy leg hang had turned into another torturous session with extra minutes added on!

I will thank them both when this is all over because they've been great in helping me, but I won't soon forget who's good cop and who's bad cop.

Surgery + 7 Weeks & 2 Days: Are you sure it was your hamstring?

When Jeff and I visited his parents this weekend, I got a question that has been in the back of my mind, too. Jeff's dad, a physician himself, wondered why my major incision was below my leg if the graft was from my hamstring. I really didn't do a lot of reading about what goes on during the surgery because I'm squeamish. But, my curiousity is now peaked and since I'm post-surgery I'm more comfortable figuring out what's happened.

Anyway, the hamstring connects to the tibia and that is the portion that gets removed. I found a website that is great about explaining the surgery and the picture below helps to explain the positioning of the scar.

Surgery + 7 Weeks and a Day: Peaks and Valleys

Things have been good for the most part this week.

Somehow my PT seems to last more than 2.5 hours but not be nearly as painful and actually almost feels like a workout. Things I'm doing...bike, walking backwards on treadmill, some stair-like motions, balancing on one leg with actions, weights (3 or 4 machines per session - I'm @ 145 lbs for leg press w/ both and 70 with one and given my history of wimpiness this feels like a lot), the normal stretches, calf raises including on one leg, and practicing walking. I haven't returned to the "torture chair" in a week but do have two things I really dislike...therapist pulling and pushing the leg straight (kind of massage with a medieval torture theme) and prone hang off a table with the added benefit of quad stimulator at the same time. Today the full 10 minutes was unbearable and I give myself kudos for not screaming.

Through all this though, I realize that the PT and value of the trainers is worth every blessed insurance penny they get paid. They do great work and push me much harder than I would be able to push myself. This brings me to a big concern. I haven't gotten an answer back yet as to whether my insurance benefits have been extended for physical therapy. Given the fact that I'm not jogging yet, I'm really concerned with my progress if I'm left to my own devices.

The other bummer is that outdoor soccer season is starting. Well, I should probably revise the term "bummer". I'm really happy my friends that do get to play, but I am going to be a green-eyed monster. I've spent countless hours this winter working on the board of directors of my local adult soccer association to get our organization ready to have spring, summer, and fall leagues. It's ironic that during my first term on the board I'm not likely to play in a single game. I plan to practice some sports photography as my back-up hobby while I'm out, but will miss the exhileration of kicking the ball just right where it feels perfect coming off my foot and the general camaraderie of playing with different people which always keeps it interesting.

Alas, I guess it could be worse. Spring seems to have arrived (finally) and after a long Michigan winter this is a time where it's very hard not to feel a sense of wonder and happiness.

Surgery + 6 Weeks & 3 Days: Much Better Than Yesterday!

Sometimes it's good to feel really low because just about anything is sunshine from a relative perspective. Today felt good in spite of the fact that between PT and doctor's visit I was there over three hours!

• At PT, they ran out of time to perform the "torture chair". I know I will have to tangle with it again soon but a one-day reprieve is very welcome!
• 116 degrees Range of Motion (an improvement)
• I was able to make it through 45 reps of one-leg super press at 60 pounds with the bad leg - progress!
• I saw the Doctor and his PA and they both said I'm on track for 6-weeks out. X-rays look good, I still have difficulty with strength in my quad and there's some swelling but overall better progress report than I'd expected.
• I'm free to ditch the brace - a fashion coup! The only thing I'm concerned about is when I had the brace people knew I had an injury or something. Now people are just going to think I've a serious ambulation problem. It's funny how going through the awkwardness and ugliness of this injury makes me care very little about this. I just give people a knowing smile when they stare like "I know...it's not pretty...I'm aware I look funny and it's okay."

Today there was a girl in therapy who was 2 months post-surgery and still on crutches. Her leg is perfectly straight. It reminded me that every person's experiences are different and we each have our crosses to bear as we try to get back to normal.

6 Weeks + 2 Days: I'm Getting Sick of This!

I have not progressed as well as I would like to. I have said goodbye to my crutches but still am encumbered by the 3 pound brace...this is not on the spring fashion must-have list.

More importantly, I'm still lacking the critical ability to use my quad to straighten my knee. This leaves my PT sessions seeming less like a workout and more like torture with 10 minutes spent in the "torture chair" (this moniker was given by the therapists, not by me) and another 10 minutes spent with the knee hanging off a table while I'm on my stomach weighted by an ankle weight and giant hot pad. And an additional 10 minutes with the trainer straightening my leg for me. This is exhausting after the other 90 minutes of knee-focused work.

My apologies to those that have been brought down by my tears during their PT sessions as it's hard to hide the pain after a while. I'm recording this now so that one day I can look back and realize how far I've come as I'm sure there will be light at the end of the tunnel soon...there's got to be!

2 weeks until the Bahamas...hopefully I'll be seaworthy by then!

My ACL Hero

Just when I needed some extra rehab inspiration, Brandon Rush and my team KANSAS are playing for the National Championship tonight. Last year, Brandon declared for the NBA after a stellar sophomore season. While training prior to the draft in late May (or hire of an agent) he tore his ACL. He was back playing in November and has been playing without a brace since February.

There is a great article chronicling his recovery (and tears shed along the way). I'm glad I'm not the only one! Extra bonus points for the picture to the right towering over "Psycho T" :-)

ROCK CHALK JAYHAWKS!!!

Surgery + 27 Days: License to Drive

Things are going well. The most exciting news is that I got the okay to start driving and have made a "full-time" return to work. So far so good on that front with today, Monday, as my first day back. I'm still on crutches, though, and hope to be off of them this week or next.

PT has also evolved, as well. I no longer have 20 minutes of quad stem which is hooking up the quad to electrodes. This makes it amazing that the sessions are still running 2 hours or more. Today, I had:

• 10 minutes of sitting stairmaster,
• stretches of calf and hamstring,
• range of motion heel slides,
• 10 minutes leg stretch with leg hanging off the table at the knee while I'm on my stomach and a weight at my ankle as well as weighted heating pad,
• 2 exercises to practice standing/balancing on the surgery leg,
• practice walking up and down stairs (about 4 inches for stepping up and about 2 inches for stepping down),
• walking & balance practice with half medicine ball,
• 2 different weight machines - super leg press and another (the weights for the super leg press are at 100 for both legs, 40 for single leg up down and 75 lb for both legs up single leg down
• 20 minutes of ice with shock electrodes on the knee to reduce swelling

All that before 9 a.m. - actually today it went pretty long - from 7 a.m. to 9:15 a.m. You know you've been at therapy for a while when you recognize faces and know backgrounds for other patients. I feel like a veteran when a new person comes in and starts out the first day. I can tell them "I've been there and know it will get better."